He came, we saw, I conquered…..

Not there yet, not there yet.

Darling if I could be at any place,

I would be in our love nest…..

Corny, cheesy, oh so mushy, thank you all. I know the adjectives already. I know what it is to be stupid in love and I know what SRK must have felt in the film where he played the role of an obsessive, compulsive and psychotic lover and admirer of a vivacious, bubbly, chirpy and a little overweight Juhi Chawla. Yup, I have been through every phase when I talk about love. My phone starts ringing with my caller tune of Flo Rida’s song ‘available’…..

‘ooooooohhhhooo ooohhhoooooo oooohooooo

It’s the time, it’s the right time,

It’s the right time, Yo it’s the perfect time

babeh babeh babeh

Am a single man, Now let’s go hit the town and start the mingling’

I picked the phone up. He said he has reached. Whattttt, he has reached already!!!! He is here, with me, finally. Oh shit, I have not gone to the parlor to wax, I have not decided on what to wear, I haven’t had the planned hair cut, I do not know what the fucking hell was I doing all these days!!!!!!!!

God damn my periods, my chums and my temper. Boys, next time you bump into a girl, lady or a woman, irrespective of size, caste, taste and vital statistics, please do not judger her so prematurely if her only occupation seemingly is to hiss like a snake, throw temper tantrums at the guy behind the desk at shopper’s stop because he wants her to take the citizen card/membership blah blah, or look generally displeased with life. Please do not dismiss her as another bitch who deserves to be fucked hard doggy style as much as one could with an Amar Singh lookalike male, or worse Amar Singh himself. She is helpless. She is not all that bad. She is the victim of God’s unpractical jokes. Yup, she is suffering from PMS. The legendary Pre and post menstrual syndrome where her hormones are on a high imbalanced rush. Seriously, it is not her fault and it is never going to be hers. A thing which my boyfriend does not understand and I cannot bow down from.

He is coming to meet me after 2 months when it is so obvious that am engulfed in the war zone of my hormones, stickiness down there and infuriation due to humidity and hotness outside. Too much for a person to put up with and bear. He cannot meet me for long today. He said just that. My hormonal rush, humidity outside, my tensions of not having submitted project yet, my another worry of being dumped by relatives after the age of 40 as just another talent lady who could have been but is not, and my stickiness out there, cramps in the stomach, cramps in the back, no food from morning, no mom and dad at home, no fucking nothing and he cannot meet me for long after two fucking long months!!!!!!! Wham, bam damn. Alert. Alert. Alert. Tears rolling down my cheeks, my eyes are as red as a slithering and vengeful snake woman who just came to know that her current lover is the murderer of her dead snake husband. My eyes were flushed, my mind was down and my emotions were out of control.

I shouted, I shouted, I shouted like a mad raving woman. I cried. I sobbed. I hit the floor with the remote control and he was flummoxed. Poor little boy. I feel bad for you. Am emasculated in my world and he is confused in his. After being with me for such a long time period, I cannot still fathom that how he cannot put up with a woman who is menstruating. I put up with you all the time, why can’t you put up with me once?

Dad- you cannot take a step outside the house now

Me- I will and I can.

Dad- get a separate arrangement for you because you are not coming back here to stay anymore

Me- Alright. I will.

Bam. He had waited for over half an hour in his black colored, fat ass big and boring Scorpio. We met, we laughed, and we felt awkward. He drove around and I felt insecure about my appearance. Oh god, this is not how it was supposed to be like. I had planned on to look so ultra sensual and sexual on the first day of our meet together after what feel like ages! I had planned on wearing something elegant, regal, sexy and strappy. And what did I wear? The same old rut. Shite. Whatever little make up I had put on was washed away in the beads of sweat due to ultra thick humidity outside.

We drove further. Halted the car in a reclusive corner of a sprawling residency which we usually frequent in and around my area. He had already rolled a joint and I was in no mood to pass off this little bit of respite that I hadn’t had from weeks now. We smoked up with a sudden rush and surge of relief. Down went the sorrows, the fight, the menstruation, the cramps, the humidity, the stickiness of blood out there, the worry of not having submitted the project, the worry of becoming old and not an ounce wiser. It hit me where it hurts most and finally I was liberated. Liberation, liberation, free, free, independence, yelled my strapped and shackled mind. I was free at last. I got the wings and I started flying in the sky. I looked at him and asked whether he will join me in my expedition. He said yes. With Alice in chains playing in the background, we flew across the sky. I touched him. He touched me back. He kissed me. I was forthcoming alright. We were together, we were in unison, we made out in the back of his car like mad and happiness ensued.

Peace, peace and more peace.

Love, love and the lovely world.

Peace and love and some more peace and some more love.

He came, we saw and I conquered………

In a nutshell

I always know who my boyfriend is going to be. The first time was when I was a tiny winy little girl. I entered the class of my new school and screened around. The kind of screening one does when one has to ascertain and know what kind of people or animals in habitat this place. Yeah that sort of screening. I screened. I clutched my water bottle, hung around my neck, my extremely heavy bag and my frail legs. Not a face that looked friendly. Am sure they would have checked the new girl out but pretended as if i did not exist. I could feel the cold glare of other girls on my skin and I could only look back at those hopeless, vivid and strange faces. I hated the environment immediately and detested knowing that this is going to be my new school. Until, well only until, this new boy I came across. He was all that a girl possibly could not want. To this date I think what was it that I had really liked in him?

I was a daredevil. So I acted cool + bold [deadly combo on the very first day of your school] and sat just next to him. Bang there where he was seated. I guess girls and boys stared me harder as I was sitting in the enemy territory boy zone. I did not care. The girls did not look friendly to me at that point of time so I steered myself clear of them. I introduced myself and he was, well, awkward as hell. He had a strange south Indian accent. He was dark and he was overtly powdered by his mom. All was not lost. He was a Math genius. Final nail in the coffin. Now go and laugh your stinking pants off. Put your hands up and make an L sign to call me a loser while you are at it but, dear people, I have always had a soft spot for the nerds and intellectuals.

Soon I was to become his favourite and the girls were not mess with us. He sat with me on every bench till class 5th and I bloody ensured it. Aggressive and bold? Oh yeah. Sitting one day on the porch near my house I confided this to my sister. She did what she does best. Becoming a traitor and telling all this to my mother and father. Whaaaaattttttttttttttt!!!!! My father and mother did not spare me either. My mom was inconsolably laughing and my father, to think of it, was awkwardly silent. Yeah my dad has always been that kind!! Who cares now but I did at that point of time. I had no ground and sky to hide my face because I knew the entire mushy tale will reach the ears of my teachers. Yeah, my mother was one of them.

For the record of gasping and fawning readers, who have started to think ‘what the fucking fuck? Where does she come from? A boyfriend in a primary school!!, we were not officially girlfriend and boyfriend. He did not say anything to me and if he did not say anything to me then a girl’s ego would not let her do so either. I did not say anything to him. And by the time we moved to standard 6th, with new entrants my interest had begun to change and I found new musings and new things to solve. But, I always knew who my boyfriend was going to be. He could have been. In the line of many could have beens, he is right at a small pie of the entire chart.